Yesterday ...

... all my troubles seemed not all far away.
Started the day without hearing from any of the players I sent emails to regarding an upcoming collaborative project. Next I met with a payroll accountant and discovered that I'm paying 80% of my Gearhead wages to our nanny and my new assistant. Since both do tasks that are far from thankless - taking care of my children and my projects - I am posed with a bit of a conflict. I had to eat lunch on the fly out at Freightliner dealing with an electrical issue with one of the Gearhead trucks - so no lunch writing happened yesterday. Then because that fiasco took four hours out of my day I had to go back to Gearhead after teaching class. So as I'm all stacked up -- overworked and overextended -- I get four phone calls in the two hours before class letting me know that I will have four students without their scene partners in class. In spite of reasonable and understandable excuses for missing class, whenever such a mass absence coincidence occurs I get a bit skittish. I begin to question the commitments of actors. Whether or not I should bother trying to keep the studio going ... blah blah bleck What's worse is that as I write, I often do so for actors I know. When the actors in class, the actors I work with most regularly, demonstrate what I percieve as a lack of commitment, I feel threatened. A good example is a student commited to the retreat next month has a job as a receptionist at a hair salon. They may not grant her the time off, even with a month's notice. If this young actor is commited to acting, why is the crappo job the subject of so much of our correspondence? Next I got an email form the guy that's been fucking around with me for a year regarding the sound for London Calling telling me he is leaving for a job until September.
In this state of mind, I am not at ease. Focusing on the negative begets more of the same. Soon I was focusing on the fact that since I told MC of my humility regarding the direction of OG, I seldom hear from him. Whereas I heard from him every few days prior to my admission. I quickly had a lot of judgments of him running through my mind.
So I worked until two am at Gearhead after teaching class. That made it a nice and long eighteen hour day. At the end of it and at the beginning of today - I tell myself this: The only thing left for me to do is do the next right thing. I can't figure it all out. I can only do the work ahead of me. Which is not as complicated or as difficult as the bullshit above. It's a lot more seductive to focus on the negative. Perhaps with practice, focusing on the work becomes more habitual. I know this to be true. Because even a short time ago, I was unable to access anything but the occasional inspiration inorder to work at all.

This too shall pass.

Ciao,
Signore Direttore