I recently read some old posts in my blog from Spring of '06. I was really working through some stuff. While I'm sure I still have mucho stuff to work through, things don't feel as desperate somehow. It's tempting to think that I can't be as creative if I'm not feeling things with the same intensity. I have a feeling that the old saying about still waters may contain some measure of truth. I could easily measure this by my output. In 2005 and 2006 I shot two shorts and a feature. In 2007 I've shot five shorts and a feature and I actually finished one of the shorts as well as closing in on final cuts of a few others. In spite of this record of achievement I feel as if I'm not doing anything. Perhaps it is a product of my insecurities, or it may be a sort of confusion brought on by being largely free from the habit of years of angst-ridden self-loathing.
I directed a short the other night. There were a lot of things that I liked about it. There were a few things about which I was less certain. I didn't have ready answers and I didn't feel like creating any egotistical theatrics to try to effect change or absolve myself from responsibility. I've learned that whatever happens on a production is my responsibility. I may not knock the light over or be the actor unable to perform a required scene, but I am responsible for dealing with those eventualities. Let it be noted that no lights were knocked over nor was our actress unable to perform the other night. Anyway I'm more and more comfortable with that responsibility. I'm also acutely aware how difficult it is to make a good film of any length. Since I've come to understand that, I've simultaneously realized that it isn't a reflection on me if a film doesn't succeed. Maybe that's a chicken and egg type of thing - I'm not sure what came first.
Earlier in the day of our night shoot on Thursday I got an email informing me that Klepto wasn't accepted by the NW Film & Video Festival. There was a moment on set that evening when I didn't like what I was seeing and felt at a loss to correct it that the rejection came briefly to mind. A moment in which I summarily questioned my ability as a filmmaker. Then it passed and on we went.
I think I'm moving away from seeking answers and started to focus more on asking questions. The results just aren't up to me.