Sunday, March 16, 2008

A Knot

I'm full of anxiety this evening. I have been since about four o'clock today. Part of it is due to my skipping lunch after a very light breakfast. Another issue is having taken steps toward addressing something I've been contemplating for over a year. Once the final decision was made and change was set in motion, I haven't been able to breathe very deeply. I think it's just fear and a release of all the stuff I've been storing up in my indecision about where our family should live.
We found a great house in North Portland just a block off of the Willamette Blvd. overlook. It has a big yard and a beautiful inground pool. The inside is nice and spacious. Not perfect but very suitable. We'll know by Tuesday if we got it. We're going to keep our building for now. All should work out. There are trade-offs. Maybe a little more driving to and from schools overall. And a lot of upheaval and energy put toward moving, remodeling and finding tenants. In the end, I think being in a more conventional home will be best for all of us. I'm hoping it has the same effect on us that getting the office has had on my work.
That's not all the good news of the day. We shot another woodshed project tonight. One actor misunderstood the schedule and couldn't make it after saying they could. So we came up with another idea. Then one of those actors canceled a few hours before we were to shoot. So I put some calls out and someone stepped up. Through all of the aforementioned hubbub, there was no resentment or anger. Just a calm acceptance that things don't always work out as planned and that if I want to work I have to adjust accordingly.
We shot it. I had the knot the entire time, but I just did the work in front of me. I wasn't particularly inspired. It didn't matter. I just kept working, paying attention to all the things a director needs to pay attention to. I offered suggestions and direction where I thought it was needed. I felt disconnected and doubtful yet I kept at it. I didn't panic. Sometimes I think that's more impressive than kicking ass on something. I've told myself I couldn't do so many things so often because I didn't feel like it or so and so let me down or it didn't turn out as expected.
I know we got enough to cut this thing into a coherent little short. It reminds me of something I heard a marathon runner say long ago - I don't always feel like heading out the door, but the showers always feel great. Well, I don't know about the great part. In fact that might be part of the reason for the knot - I don't easily allow myself to feel good about showing up and being average. I've always been the all or nothing type. Swinging for the fences or taking the day off. There's not a lot of heroics in hitting for average. Oh well.

Signore Direttore


David Millstone said...

"There's not a lot of heroics in hitting for average."

Oh, yes there is!

Damn, is there ever....

Signore Direttore said...

Yeah, it's funny I thought I was just letting go of the narcissist's need to be in the spotlight. But I'm starting to realize I've been telling myself a lie.

David Millstone said...

I don't think the drive to be in the spotlight is solely--or even primarily--narcissistic. It's a way of connecting, as well as of being seen....

Signore Direttore said...

Certainly all character flaws and, or trauma responses serve a purpose. However, I do think my instincts have been in collision and have affected my growth. In any case, I appreciate the compassionate take on things -- I need the thoughtful and caring encouragement!