Friday, February 29, 2008

Fighting Deep Resistance

When it comes to certain things, like editing, I can easily become inert. I resist sitting down to do it, putting it off to the extent that I currently have two features, six shorts and two woodshedding shorts to finish. Due to recent efforts at overcoming my aversion to finishing films, I am happy to report that of the aforementioned unfinished projects, all but my most recent feature are nearing completion.
I am not lazy, of that I am certain. I do, however, find myself subject to immobility when it comes to facing tasks of realization. I used to have the same issue as an actor when it came to auditions. In January, when I resolved to start editing regularly again, I was close to hyperventilating the first day. I worked through it by being gentle with myself, but sticking with it. I have been able to sit down to edit more and more often. It's been helpful that the projects I've been cutting are somewhat inconsequential - acting class and woodshedding. I want to be careful not to diminish my efforts, on the contrary I'm glad I've created lo/no pressure work for myself to revisit editing.
The longer I let projects sit, the bigger they loom, even those I deem to have little consequence. For instance I completed a rough cut of Happy New Year, our first woodshed project, quite a while ago. I just needed to go back and clean it up in order to call it finished. Granted I have been busy, but I could feel the difference between being busy and resistant to going back and finishing.
I tackled it first thing this morning. I went into the office and sat right down without distraction. I felt sleepy. Hungry tired, like having low blood sugar. I pushed on. After awhile I stopped and got something to eat. When I came back I was still lethargic. I wanted to stop. The sofa was calling my name for a quick lie down. I pushed on until I finished the final cut. It required a lot more work than I thought it would. I decided to push it to the best cut I could make which was much finer than seemed possible seven weeks ago. (Another benefit of doing more editing, I'm getting sharper at both doing it and seeing the possibilities.)
Was I really sleepy? Maybe I did let my blood sugar drop too far, far enough so that eating took a while to register. The thing that makes me think it had a lot more to do with resistance than purely physical symptoms is that when I got on my bike and started my ride home after finishing my day's work, I felt totally fine within a couple of blocks. I came home and went for a walk with the kids to the dry cleaners. After that I ironed four shirts and made a cup of herbal tea before sitting down to do a little blogging.
Of course, I don't know the answer unequivocally. And I may never know, but I definitely plan on continuing editing. As well as paying attention to my resistance to the realization of my projects and ultimately myself.

Willing and Able,
Signore Direttore

1 comment:

David Millstone said...

Dude. I hear you.