With the wrap party successfully behind us, it's time for a short rest before entering its post-production phases. I enjoyed the party, though I got hit with a wave of complete exhaustion about ten o'clock. I was happy to see all those that arrived and sadly missed those that couldn't make it. We showed a slide show of production photos taken by Simon Hill, David Millstone and all the rest of us that picked up the still camera during the shoot. I put the slide show together yesterday afternoon and watched it most of the seven times it cycled last night. I never got bored of seeing all the faces that made DW such a wonderful experience.
We also showed some dailies without sound. I didn't show selects, we just picked complete takes at random. We ran most of the scenes straight through from roll to cut. We cut two short to preserve the mystery. In one scene where Gish raises a pistol toward Miranda we cut to black. The immediate hiss of disappoinment was sweet music to my ears.
Suzy told me she spoke to Tom Spanbauer about the film. Spanbauer is the founder of a writing tradition called Dangerous Writing. It's based in Portland, but enjoys a widely known reputation in contemporary literary circles based in part on Chuck Pahlanuik's association with the group . Our film has nothing to do with their work, but I know that is not going to be an easy sell. She told me he would like to meet with me and that he is more intrigued than alarmed. I have to admit that I would not be too ecstatic if someone wrote a book called Made Crooked about a filmmaker-acting coach that makes micro-budget films with his students. At the same time, if my endeavors coincided with another storyteller's vision, it may confirm my own status. Knowing the temperament of many artists, it's likely that few of us would trust each other to come up with any thing as flattering or as accurate as we ourselves see as our truth.
Truth be told, I need to make some money. There are a couple of things looming, but I don't have the checks or even the deal memos yet. I don't mind going a bit hungry, but we're a little past that as I've been sticking my head in the sand for two months in order to focus on putting DW together. I have faith that things will work out, perhaps not painlessly but I accept that acheivment doesn't come without sacrifices.
This is the first project that I've ever finished where I haven't been thinking about the next one. I've done a lot of personal work over the last year to make that happen. It has a lot to do with not seeking approval or validation through external things, including my work. Of course I get both approval and validation from making films, but it has ceased to be the primary motive for my endeavors. My fulfillment is more the by-product of the accumulation of responsible actions rather than the collection of enviable accomplishments and recognition.
People have been commenting on how calm I am. I'm trying to learn from David Lynch. I would hardly call myself dispassionate, even-tempered or mild-mannered, but I am learning to allow the energy of my intelligence, intuition and creativity to bloom more fully. I've come to recognize that I have let anger, self-pity, tittilation, vanity and envy obstruct the flow of my more productive energies. Though meditation and counsel I have begun to recognize these patterns and to identify their sources.
I owe it to myself as I owe it to the increasing number of people that show their respect, love and support for me.
Getting out of my own way,
Signore Direttore
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