Friday, May 12, 2006

Tears

I'm up very early this morning. Not feeling one hundred percent physically. And a bit anxious for the weekend. So many things to do. Yesterday I was hoping to get out of work after lunch and get some rest, but the preparation for the retreat went on until 9pm.
Lately I've been trying to adjust my attitudes and actions toward others in life and filmmaking. I've written at lenght about it here, at least it seems to me that I have. We're shooting this retreat this weekend. It's an expiremental exercise. I really don't know what the results are going to be. I've been very excited about aiming for the best work we can do collectively and viewing the results as evidence of our abilities. When I share my excitement with others, it seems there are more lessons to be learned. One actor sees it as my thing and he doesn't want to commit to it or acting at all anymore. The DP from my last film thinks I have written that project off. My boss reacts to the work we're doing to get ready for the weekend with some sort of sadness that I'm thinking might be that he's feeling left out.
It seems that however hard I try to be right-sized about this, I'm still a big dumb bull in a china shop.

I wrote the following to the DP of But A Dream this morning:

Greg

It seems like I've been sending some mixed signals about the short film we
did together.
I'm sorry about that. Sometimes I wish I was one of those guys that falls
in love with his own work and thinks he's the baddest mofo in town --
Next stop Hollywood!
I'm more of the tortured type that suffers over every project trying to
figure out how to get better as an artist and a communicator to my
collaborators and supporters.

I want to be clear about a few things. But A Dream is the best film I
have ever made. You are the best DP I have ever worked with. It's
beautiful. It sounds good. The acting is good. I don't want to say more
until it is cut, but I'm proud of what we accomplished together. Whenever
I show the footage to people they say, "Oh my god, who shot this?"

Telling you that it's the best film I have ever made scares me a bit. I
fear that you think it was kind of a hack job and if I admit it was my
best work, you'll think I'm a phony wannabe. So when i talk to you about
it, I downplay it all a bit to protect myself. To try to be one of the
cool kids.

When I talk about moving on to new projects I am really talking about
geting more time on set as a director. I think lack of experience on my
part was the cause of some of the poor communication between us on set.
Rather than play the blame game, which I tried for a couple of days as you
know, I think I would like to take what I have learned and put it to use
as soon as possible. I'm sorry if that came across as flippant disregard
for the work we did. Not at all my intention.

Before making that short together I wanted you and the other guys to think
I was some great director. That attitude put a lot of unnecessary
pressure on me. It took a lot of the fun of making films away. I did
that to myself. If I ever become a great director, it probably won't be
the result of trying so hard.
More and more, I'm ready for you guys to think I'm some indie guy that
makes freebie stuff you guys might not want anything to do with
professionally. I'll just go play with some gear from the shop and have
fun making movies. That's not a booby prize, it's actually really
exciting me. I've let go of letting that one project that's with Gersh
rule my life and my filmmaking ambitions. I've been writing new stuff
that I could make for no/low budgets and just going with it.
Letting go of the results. Making mistakes. Trying to stop
apologizing or making excuses about where I am at as a filmmaker.

Being part of Gearhead makes that even easier. Thanks for bringing me
into your company. And thanks again for letting me use your camera.

I'm sure we'll work together as director and dp again someday. When we
do, I want it to be a choice on both of our parts. I don't want it to be
about me trying to prove to you I've grown since our last experience nor
do I want you to do it simply as a favor to me. If that opportunity never
comes, it won't be because of a lack of respect or fondness for you, Greg.

Warm Regards,
Neal


Rereading it brings tears to my eyes. Hurts to admit that ego stuff. I'm not sure if reprinting it here is respectful to me or the recipient.
I don't know. Seems to be the thought of the day so far. And it's only 6am.
Rather than feeling hopeless about not knowing, I am going to try to embrace it.
Seems a good plan for retreating.

Like a big pizza pie,
Signore Direttore

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