Sunday, May 30, 2010

Nothing is ever as difficult as you think it's going to be.

I was feeling some measure of despair over the past few weeks.  I laid off the regular fitness routine in February or so, but I was working all day seven days a week on the house.  My jeans were falling off of me.  I had to punch a new hole in my belt with my Leatherman.  Then the house was finished.  We moved in.  My wife left town for most of March and April.  I didn't get the garage organized, so my home gym was covered and surrounded by all the stuff that needs to be organized or sold or given to charity.  My personal training clients and I didn't reconnect after the lay-off.  And I didn't need the new hole in my belt or the next one after about six weeks.  Then the Kapital job happened and I ate way too well for two weeks.  And drank a lot of Cokes for comfort and energy.
I felt a lot of anguish about letting off the fitness and gaining some fifteen or twenty pounds - I didn't know exactly as I didn't really want to get on the scale until yesterday.  Not only did the vanity aspect bother me, but my body just wasn't working the way it had been over the past year and some.  And my clothes were feeling tight.  I had a lot of doubt and fear going through my mind.  I couldn't seem to get out the door for a simple walk.  It all seemed so huge in my mind.
Last Monday I made up a spreadsheet to track my movement and mediation for the week.  I managed to meditate every day and to get in some yoga daily as well.  I went for a couple of walks.  I scheduled a session with a trainer friend after telling myself for weeks that I couldn't call Eric until I had gotten some level of fitness back.  I sent him an email early in the week with the subject line: Help!  He, of course, was understanding and got me in on Friday for some boxing and conditioning.  Then yesterday I did a TRX suspension intro class that was half strength and half stretching.  I really liked it.  It reminded me of Pilates but without the holiness.
Another benefit of the meditation – I notice that I am better able to be mindful when eating.  Twice this week I brought food home from restaurants when I got full.  I have some ideas about improving my tactics for better eating that I want to start practicing.  One thing I need to resume is recording what I eat.  And I want to challenge my sense of need and obligation, transforming my energies into a desire to nourish and respect myself rather than an onerous duty driven by fear/ego.
Last night I went to bed sore but feeling in my body.  I woke up energized.  Took a long walk and came home and did some housework.  Now we're off to Bend for the night.  But first, I want to get in some meditation.

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