Thursday, June 22, 2006

The Critic

The critic is a nihilist. While those that claim that nothing matters may be closer to the truth that there is no Truth, they aren't much closer to their humanity. It's not quite the opposite side of the same coin, but it's an extreme reaction.

F. Scott Fitzgerald claimed to be a nihilist, but he sure paid close attention to the details of individual and cultural behavior for someone who doesn't think anything matters very much. I don't want to present a critical analysis of FSF. I am not qualified to say much beyond the fact that I loved This Side of Paradise when in high school - it spoke to me about my inability to will certain changes in myself, particularly regarding conformity and conventional achievement. His alcoholism and despair frightened me, perhaps because I related very closely in that regard as well. Oh how I loved Amory Blaine's kissing games -- the way he would pursue a kiss for the sake of the kiss. Even when he felt nothing for the girl melancholy would overwhelm him were he denied.

I've heard it said that nobody ever raised a statue to a critic.
When I criticize I cut off my authentic self and seek to apply standards and judgments. Standards and judgments that I have learned and that prevent me from doing my own work for fear of failing to meet the selfsame restrictive criteria. If you go out into the wilderness there are no comprehensive guidelines. You can never bring enough gear to handle every potential challenge.
I am going through a very tough thing right now, something that I thought I would never have to do. I am doing my best, but I am doing some things very poorly. As I started to judge myself yesterday, I reminded myself that I don't want to be good or get good at this particular thing. I just want to do my very best to be present and as honest as I can be. That's probably not going to be one hundred percent. I am not pure. I am human. One of the herd grazing on the fringes.

Moo,
Signore Direttore

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