Saturday, October 02, 2010

Set at Liberty

I moved offices a couple of months ago, emptying my latest studio of all my film gear.  I'd been there for over two years, almost three.  It was a sublet and my landlord was vacating the building.  Even so, it had been time for me to move on for a while.  As I did so, I noticed that what I really wanted to do was be rid of it all.  Even though I continue to earn a mostly passive income on rentals, that wasn't the thing preventing me from letting it all go.  I dreaded sitting down and categorizing each item to be sold on eBay - too much history.  Too many feelings of grief.  Yes, grief.  I made films for a long time.  And I spent the decade before the decade that I made films wanting to make films.  That's twenty years of an emotional connection to something.  And let me tell you, or remind you if you know something about filmmaking, it's a very consuming endeavor. 
I haven't talked to my father in years.  I don't miss talking to him.  I have given up hope that talking to him can be anything but painful, that the best I could hope for is polite indifference.  Nonetheless, one day he's going to die and when I learn of it, I will be sad with grief.  And that's how I feel about filmmaking - I know we're done with one another and I accept it, but it isn't without some remorse and heartache.
And yet, there is a profound feeling of liberty to be set free from one's own inertia whether it be familial, vocational or otherwise.  This last week I arranged to sell my entire gear package in one go.  I've got a check for half of the agreed upon sale price in my wallet at this moment.  And believe me, I will cash it.

No comments: