I moved offices a couple of months ago, emptying my latest studio of all my film gear. I'd been there for over two years, almost three. It was a sublet and my landlord was vacating the building. Even so, it had been time for me to move on for a while. As I did so, I noticed that what I really wanted to do was be rid of it all. Even though I continue to earn a mostly passive income on rentals, that wasn't the thing preventing me from letting it all go. I dreaded sitting down and categorizing each item to be sold on eBay - too much history. Too many feelings of grief. Yes, grief. I made films for a long time. And I spent the decade before the decade that I made films wanting to make films. That's twenty years of an emotional connection to something. And let me tell you, or remind you if you know something about filmmaking, it's a very consuming endeavor.
I haven't talked to my father in years. I don't miss talking to him. I have given up hope that talking to him can be anything but painful, that the best I could hope for is polite indifference. Nonetheless, one day he's going to die and when I learn of it, I will be sad with grief. And that's how I feel about filmmaking - I know we're done with one another and I accept it, but it isn't without some remorse and heartache.
And yet, there is a profound feeling of liberty to be set free from one's own inertia whether it be familial, vocational or otherwise. This last week I arranged to sell my entire gear package in one go. I've got a check for half of the agreed upon sale price in my wallet at this moment. And believe me, I will cash it.