Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Turn On My Heart Light

Do I love making films? No, not really. It's been a colossal struggle. I've labored with the technical side of it, the interpersonal aspect, the financial challenges and the aesthetic demands. Not entirely an uphill battle and certainly not without rewards, but it's been tough. In fact a lot tougher than I realized going through it. I've noticed that while I'm doing something I never feel as if I'm doing enough and then discover later that I did more than plenty. My expectations of myself and others have often been imbalanced and unrealistic. I've gotten much better about such things. Don't get me wrong, there have been great moments that have brought light to my heart and eyes. It does seem like a high price to pay - like dating someone that's a jerk but is pretty and sweet when she wants something. Not a love connection, but your ego holds on for all the wrong reasons.
I feel like DW and MC are the love children of such dysfunctional relations. DW is a mostly healthy child. While MC has some form of fetal alcohol syndrome - lovable but not quite right and certainly challenging to parent. So good things can come out of these relations even though their inception lacked a solid foundation.
So what does make me happy or better yet; what am I happy to do? Lately it's been moving in my body. Cycling on the roads and trails, skiing, running, hiking, doing yoga and pilates. These activities give me great joy before, during and after. I'm not looking so much as to what I'm going to get out of them but what I'm experiencing while doing them. Very unlike filmmaking.
I'm not giving up on making films just yet. I'm going to continue to practice the aforementioned sporting and fitness activities indefinitely while finishing DW and MC. When and if another new project is upon me I will see if my new attitudes allow for a more grounded filmmaking experience. Perhaps it will.
A friend asked how I was affording skiing. Easy. It's a lot cheaper than making films. And for now I'm finding it to be a lot more fun. Maybe I'll switch mentors from Fellini to Warren Miller.

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