The DVD encoding conflama consumed all of yesterday. The morning edition solved some problems and confirmed the errors of the previous day. It took some diligence to push them away from pretty good, where they seemed content, toward a solid good. I'm doing better at keeping my cool in these situations, pushing earnestly toward getting what I need for projects. Formerly I knew two modes when things went south - strident intimidation or passive aggresive withdrawal. I'm happy to have learned some new skills, though there's no doubt it saps my energy. I've got a lot of energy tied up in these unfinished films. There's fear of success and fear of failure. There's hope of recognition and fear that I'm kidding myself.
One of the things I'm discovering is that I'm conflating recognition for my talents and accomplishments with acceptance by the world at large. I had a dream the other night of being an overnight guest in a friend's house. The friend is successful in the film world and in reality is very generous toward me. As he was in the dream. He offered me a bed in a loft that required ascending a ladder to reach. He and his wife easily scrambled up and down the ladder, but when it came time for me to climb it I couldn't.
As I consider the completion of projects and the possibilities of submitting to festivals like Sundance, I yearn for both recognition and acceptance. Expectations overwhelm my efforts to focus on the work. It is an ascension that I seek. An ascension above and beyond myself. But if the work is coming from me then I don't want to leave myself. It's mine if only I'll let myself have it. And recognition from Sundance or Studios or my peers is a confirmation of what I already am rather than a reinvention.
I did submit But A Dream to Sundance last night. And I did watch the rough cut of Dangerous Writing with the editor today. I'm proud of the work, confident that it's evidence of a strong and unique vision and I'm very hopeful it will be recognized as such. I need to stay off the ladder. I'm not going anywhere and there's nothing to prove.