Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Something Yet to Discover . . .

Somewhere along the path I learned that a story needn't be told if the teller knew all there was to tell. Sometimes I confuse author(ity) with absolute expertise. As do many actors. Often I witness actors approaching the work with the determination to know absolutely everything about the character they're playing. That's really boring if you think about it. That's like hanging out with a know-it-all.
I'm learning to explore finding out more. In my life I don't know how I felt about things in the past. I know what I've done. The acts I've commited. The nature of memory prevents me from reliving my feelings accurately. I've rejected or covered many feelings of shame or grief in order to continue living. Of course those things don't disappear, rather they become part of the way I move and react through the rest of my days. I propose getting my hands dirty with those causes and conditions, particularly through physical recall. In doing so I hope to tell some stories that need no embellishment or qualification. The explorations may not draw conclusions in any explicit way.
But I will attempt to be truthful. I will reject logic. I will experience the reactions of others as they come up against the circumstances I set forth. I will discover new answers and new questions.
When writing this new short entitled Crudo (hungover in Spanish) I was telling of getting a blowjob in hopes of killing the pain in the main character's head. I paused as I set out to write the images in my mind in order to phrase it delicately. In a split second, I wrote exactly what I was thinking. It was so freeing. And now a few days later, it doesn't seem such a big deal. I wrote He smiles and tries to enjoy the blowjob.Not entirely PG, but hardly scandalous. In spite of my best efforts to rebel, I'm hopelessly middle-class at times.
Brrr.
Dear Lord, please let me come in out of the cold.
At the same time, I do think there's a large chuck of truth in the assertion that the best artists are non-neurotic.
A thing to discover: balancing the rejection of the bourgeois with an embracing of sanity.
That should keep me busy.

A River Dertch,
Signore Direttore

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