Saturday, August 06, 2005

Ultimate Folly

Last night was the reception for the twenty year reunion of my high school class.
I kept my mouth shut for the most part, but as I made my way through the evening I marvelled at how little I had to say to these people and my utter lack of nostalgic yearning. Gone were the intense feelings of inadequacy that were chronic in those days. Many quietly expressed their anxiety of being there in my ear. Which I shared absolutely. My tension however had more to do with the shame that I feel regarding who I was rather than who I've become. I've got further work to do as a human being, but I am pretty gosh darn proud of who I am, particularly in the face of who I once was.
I would venture to say it is my ultimate folly whenever I think I'm not good enough and seek to overcompensate. High school was the heyday of such insecurity to extremes that were more Abel Ferrara than John Hughes.
The night was light on fodder.
On the ride over my friend and I mentioned an old classmate. Divorced I'm sure, Dave surmised. Of course the supposed divorcee was one of the first I ran into. After telling him my vitals, he shared his - single, no kids. Oh, you're not divorced? He laughed, not knowing the extent of our predetermination, of course.
There was something else, but I've lost it for now.
Oh, it involved the same guy. He was across the room with a group of people that I was seeing at once now and twenty years in the past. Suddenly he put a cell phone to his ear and I was like, What's that?, for this millisecond.
A similiar thing occurred in Memphis about ten years ago. Peter and I were having breakfast in this downtown cafeteria that hadn't been painted since the 60s let alone remodeled. There was a burly maintenace man with a graying flattop and monochrome work clothes. I'm imagining the garbage strike and segregation, projecting an intense Dixie racism onto the fella when his beeper went off and catapulted me twenty-some years and a Constitutional amendment forward.

Tonight's the big night. I wish men still wore suits. Now when I wear a suit, people can't help but say - What's the occasion? I tried from 1991 to 1998 to endure and ignore such queries, but our casual culture wore me down.
I bring up the suit, because without it as an option I'm at a loss as to what to wear to appear both smart and casual without looking like I've given in to middle age nor trying to hold onto my youth. Maybe I'll dress like a cowboy.

Second to the folly of Bad Lieutenant insecurity in my life's history is the chronic skirt chasing for which I was notorious. Of the first hundred or so names in my black book, a good forty or so were present last night. Let's just say that I'm all too glad to be married and no longer subject to that insatiable master. Most of them I just want to give appropriate space, i.e. polite smiles as I slide past. And perhaps, given the opportunity, offer a sincere apology for my whirlwind antics in the past. There are a few fellas obviously on the prowl and I am so grateful for my immunity from the clutches of that cliche.

Could it be that I've grown up?
Il mio dio.

To quote myown Senior quote:
I was, I am and I now know I will be.

A river dertchee
Signore Neal A. Corl
Direttore di cine

No comments: