Tuesday, November 04, 2008

I Have a Dream ...

... that we'll wake up tomorrow with this man as our President-elect. I cannot understand how it could be any other way and I'm deeply disturbed that the candidate leading by 7 to 11 points on Election Day in major polls may not be the clear winner on November 5th.

I include the following "letter" that I received via email to explain myself further:

Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. It may even include Florida and Ohio, they are seriously considering it. We've given them until Nov. 4th to decide. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country. Since we're dropping the middle states we're calling it United America, or simply the U.A.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the former slave states, including Arizona, Indiana, Kentucky et alia that would have liked to have had slaves. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. You can take Ted Nugent. We're keeping Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan. We're fairly certain Willie Nelson will defect. You get WorldCom. We get Intel, Microsoft and Apple. You get Ole' Miss. We get Harvard and 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms, and the highest concentration of pregnant unwed teenagers. Please be aware that the U.A. will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMD eventually turn up, really we do, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush/McCain’s quagmire. We'd rather spend it on taking care of sick people and educating our children.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy Reds believe you are people with higher morals then we Blues.

Nice Knowing You,
Blue States

I wish only to add that we will no longer need worry about your governors or Senators, i.e. Georges Bush, Sarah Palin, John McCain, seeking public office. We will need to keep a close watch on California and New York for the likes of Nixon, Reagan, Schwarzennegger and Guiliani, but we'll have more resources to monitor such developments without having to worry so much about Pro-Lifers, Prayer in Schools and people that think the earth is six thousand years old.

Also I want to stop singing God Bless America during the seventh inning stretch and go back to the good old days pre-9/11 when Take Me Out to the Ballpark served as a fine tradition for decades.

That's my dream, but I'll settle for a smart, articulate and reasonable man in the White House. Then perhaps the atrocious ignorance of Middle America will be less noisy for a few years.

Nervously Hopeful,
Signore Direttore