Okay. Summer is half over. 2oo8 is in its second half. The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of challenging events and relationships. My psyche has been invaded - my dreams full of anxiety all week. I'm exhausted. I'm wondering what the point of all this upheaval is exactly. This is not what I want. So I'm making some changes to quiet some of the turmoil while allowing for forward progress.
I'm going to take the weekend to consider dropping way back and punting on future gigs with the corporate client I've been working for. I don't want the work that I do based foremost on the money I'm earning. That's what this job is becoming - I think of the money first. In fact, it's the only reason I'm doing the job. And that has never worked for me.
There were three hours today when I felt like I could get excited again. I submitted a proposal for a project that we discussed energetically in our meeting this morning, but that won't get contracted. That in itself doesn't bother me. It's the fact that they're going to take three weeks to tell me they want to rethink the ideas presented in today's concept meeting. Which means we'll have another concept meeting. In a few weeks. How do I know this? Because that's been the pattern and the art director sent me an email saying he thinks the pushback is going to continue for reasons beyond his comprehension. I get paid for the meetings and the proposals, but I make the real money when we shoot and edit something. And then do it again. And again. For once I'm getting paid to talk and plan, but all these years of working independently makes me suspicious of such frivolity. I just want to shoot stuff. And I want to do it under circumstances that offer the possibility to succeed.