Yesterday I enjoyed a brief chat with a fellow amateur filmmaker. I was renting some gear to him for a shoot. Wishing him luck and expressing a desire to see the finished product, he replied with a wary premonition that as always he would finish the shoot wishing he had done it differently. He asked if I often felt the same way.
I could honestly reply in the negative. I don't always like what I've done or how I've shot a particular scene or set-up, but I know that it was the best of which I was capable at the time. I realize more and more that it's the journey rather than the results. As I told my peer, for many years I agonized over the quality of what I desperately wanted to be my oeuvre. What a poseur I've been! Thankfully the sting of hollow posturing has begotten a measure of humility, rendering the list of what I've long referred to as 'my films' (harumph) the designation of visual exercises.
I long thought that, as on the pilgrim's scallop, all roads led to one point -- the indie filmmaker's Compostela: Hollywood via a brief but glorious stopover in Utah. I've known many filmmakers that make films in order to earn the mantle of director, rather than fulfilling a burning desire to express something vital. As I know many student-actors that yearn for the title of professional actor. I no longer want or need such external recognition, nor do I want to associate with those who strive for conferment.
I've reached my goal - I have become a storyteller commited to discovering ever deeper and more effective ways of revealing my humanity. My pilgrimage continues on a road growing ever wider as it narrows.
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