Reel Agony

Over the past couple of days I've been showing some working film professionals my films and music videos.
A few years ago I got together with my friend David Perez, aka Shadi. We showed each other our reels. His was impressive. He directed the Beastie Boys video shot in a salt mine in New Zealand as well as many other very cool, widely seen music videos. I, on the other hand, chatted all the way through my reel. Qualifying, justifying, annoyifying. He let me know my running commentary got in the way of his forming an opinion of my work. (Likely my sub-conscious intention.)
Point taken, Dave. Thank you.
Since then, I really try to just put the reel or individual work on without a word, unless it is indeed a rough cut or pre-sound sweetening, and let the viewer take it in. Which, I have to say, is agonizing. Ugh.
Yesterday I showed a film that I need to fix something in the transfer before I show it to people. I answered a very pointed question about one of the shots regarding the eyelines. He referred to the shot as the one with the crazy eyelines. I told him what I was intending to show in the shot. He nodded. And I second guessed myself about it for the next two hours. I realized in between fits of self-doubt that I am not allowing myself to be involved in a process with other filmmakers when I don't show something that I don't feel one hundred, or even seventy, percent about. I could take his input as something to take a look at or as the anitdote to the validation I'm apparently seeking when I make approval the be all and end all of showing my work.
About that crazy eyeline: it is a bit crazy, certainly unconventional. I know why I shot it that way. And I'm open to hearing a better or more effective means of communicating the intended disjointedness and separaration between the characters. But I have to get my work out there to have that dialogue.
That old business about being good enough is a real nuisance.
I truly doubted if this person would want to work with me after seeing the film I showed him yesterday. The thing is, that choice is his and so far he hasn't informed me that that's the case.
This morning I met with someone else and showed him everything I've done. After the first film, I stood behind him in silence. Waiting. Silence. Agony.
Wow. That was really cool, dude.
Thanks, but you can see how Honcho Studio Exec wouldn't see … BLAH BLAH.
I'm sick of it. I'm really sick of all this self-doubt and fear.
I'm making this about me and that is a problem. It's about the work and the work on my reel is done. I am going to be proud of it and learn from it. Or I am going to feel bad about it and resist growth. My attitude -- that's about all I can change. I am not going to reinvent myself in the next few months, at least not in any organic way, so I might as well enjoy the successes I have had. Which are plentiful, if not up to my own expectations.
I deserve more. I don't deserve this. I deserve more. I don't deserve this. I deserve more. I don't deserve this.
Clearly, being right-sized doesn't come easy for me.
Thanks for your support.

Merry Christmas,
Signore Direttore