Equivocation Empathy

There are those of us that are damaged and crooked. We learn the most awful means of staying our course. We become so saturated with pain that we see everything in terms of it -- protecting ourselves or getting relief. There's nothing in between those extreme management measures because there is nothing else but pain.
We create false experiences and identities to insulate ourselves. We develop elaborate worlds in which to hide. We numb out with drugs, alcohol, relationships, sex, food, spending, media. We act out with anger, self-pity, physical abuse, masochism, sloth. We lose ourselves and in doing so disguise our true selves from the world. Most of us that go to such extremes do it out of necessity. There really have been threats to our emotional, psychological and physical selves. It's likely that we continue to seek out abusers and psyche invaders throughout our lives.
If we should happen to meet someone that sees the shiny penny of our true selves shining through; what then? Can we flip a switch and drop the armor of our defensive habits. Unfortunately, we can not do such a thing. Depending on how far we've retreated into our psychoses, we can usually muster a mask that will be attractive and congenial. The sad thing is that the mask usually doesn't match our natural shininess that caught the new friend's eye in the first place. The disparity might cause them to take a better look at us. Especially if they really like us. Thankfully most people are indifferent; we would like their attention, but we're relieved by their aloofness at the same time. But those that really focus their attention on us, even though we crave it, we don't like so much scrutiny. They threaten us.
We start creating space. We sabotage the relationship with deception, judgment, drama. We avoid the person. Then things get even more twisted. We like the positive attention of their attraction to us. But we can't trust it. We don't know how. Nor do we think we're very attractive. Not if they could really see us. Yet, in pushing them away we've gained a measure of control. The mere illusion of which empowers us and prompts us to either hold onto that person or reject them and use the temporary surge in our confidence to attract another victim.
The saddest thing of all is that we don't know we're doing this. Sometimes we really try to bring our best selves to relationships of all kinds, but something always go awry. Being real isn't sustainable. Usually because we lack the stamina to stick out the pain of exposure.
During this whole charade of intense feeling, we have been lying to others and ourselves. When we find ourselves alone again, we tell ourselves even more lies. Those that were involved with us can not see us as a whole person. We are fragmented in their minds -- a source of confusion. If they are the least bit fragile themselves, we cause them great pain. Our decepetions take their toll. Who were we? Who are they?
Nobody likes being lied to -- it's a fundamental threat to our emotional security. Worse yet, nobody likes being lied to by someone they tried to love. Perhaps worst of all, nobody likes giving love to someone who wasn't ever really there.
I've been on both sides of this equation. I'm exteremly grateful to have found my way towards my own shiny self. I'm sad to have suffered the whirligig of deception and emotional confusion from someone that I tried to love. And whose love I needed and deserved, namely that of my parents. I'm both sad and grateful to see and feel just how ugly that whirligig, to which I subjected oh so many friends, lovers and employers, can be.

Grazie.
I needed that.

viva,
signore direttore