Beautiful Spring morning here in Portland. Came to work with a spring in my step and gratitude in my heart for all things big and small in my life. Now that I'm here, it's not quite as sunny in my heart. Negative perspectives are simply attitudes I slip into, so slipping out of them is possible and increasingly accessible.
I had a lovely weekend going to Home Depot, hanging with the family and friends -- some visiting from NYC -- and doing my taxes. My wife makes loads of money, especially since she works three days a week on average, and spends little. I make little, spend loads and consume countless hours doing so.
I don't really like looking at the black and white figures on the page representing my attempts to forge a career as a filmmaker. Those big numbers spent on film and equipment and so forth seem almost vain and certainly imbalanced.
However, I do love making movies. As I've been processing my latest experience, I've come to discover various things about my directing, the types of crews I want to work with and my responsiblities as a filmmaker. I've discovered that I need more experience in various areas in order to make my films more even and accomplished. I've admitted to myself that it is less a matter of showing what I can do given the opportunity and more about creating opportunities for myself to continue my growth as a director. That said, I am not as blindly confident that I am the right person to direct Original Glory. Much remains to be revealed and I must be patient with myself and the process that I am commited to, which is that I am a filmmaker and that the next right thing is the the thing to do.
At this point I am attached to direct Original Glory. It remains in very nascent stages of development (even after all these years!) Nonetheless, the small cadre of its supporters are waiting to see But A Dream before sending OG out into the world with me atached to direct. Original Glory is the same kind of story as a Sideways or a Hustle & Flow in that it is not a blockbuster in waiting. Those scripts made the rounds in Hollyweird for a couple of years until a commited producer signed on and doggedly pursued funding. So it is possible that I could continue making digital films to gain the experience necessary to have a better shot of helming OG successfully while we take meetings and collect "no's" over the next year or two.
Where I get a bit frightened is that while all this, to whatever extent all this reveals itself to be, is going down I must maintain my day job and my family life. A big task, but with patience and taking it as it comes, entirely possible. It's that taking it as it comes thing that is frightening. Getting ahead of myself has been a persistent problem, one I'm trying to face quite frontally at present. I wonder if I can maintain an attitude of discovery in my filmmaking while taking meetings with the powers that be. Can I project an attitude of competence without compromising my fragile sense of accepting myself as being right where I'm supposed to be?
In the meantime, I have several ideas popping up for films long and short. Without the silly idea that the next film I make is going to be the one, I might just allow myself to have a little fun while I spend much more than I earn. And since the work won't have such high expaectations on it, perhaps I'll allow myself to use digital video and save (quite) a few bucks.
I got to admit I want to know how it's all going to turn out.
But I already know: exactly how it's supposed to.
Humbly,
Signore Direttore
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